ODE TO THE
By Sunny Hancock
This old world is in a turmoil in most everybodys view,
Seems like we all got different notions of the things we oughta
From balancing the budget and the price of foreign aid
To that hole up in the ozone all those little spray cans made.
Unemployments runnin rampant, S&Ls are going broke,
Peoples jobs are disappearing like a puff of Injun smoke.
But the thing that keeps me goin though our problems arent
Is that the dinosaurs became extinct before the EPA evolved.
What would have happened thirty million years ago today
At the annual convention of the Cavemans EPA?
The chairman said, Boys listen here to what Im tellin you,
If we ever save this planet heres some things weve gotta do.
We have to dam this waterway and flood that great big flat.
Cause we gotta have a bit more Brontosaurus Habitat.
Then from the front row came a voice that said, Oh yes, we must
This Earth wont last a month if all our dinosaurs should die.
But from the back row came another voice that said, Doggone you.
You build a dam and damn there goes our wild and scenic rivers
The caves that all these people keep! Why theyre a total mess,
Lets evict these slobs and tell em weve declared this wilderness.
Then Susie Cave Girl piped right up and says, But just look here
At that big hole thats forming in our upper atmosphere.
I have observed this all year long, researched it with my class,
Its caused by all those uncouth Meganthropus, passin gas!
Lets build a fence and move em down where they can get more
And keep em plum away from that big patch of wild beans.
Ah yes, said Billy Bonehead, and lets tell those silly fools
Quit making all those pretty rocks up into arrowheads and tools.
At the rate theyre going now the only place youll ever see em
Is a few small stones well gather up and put in some museum.
I think its bloody awful and now wont it be a shock,
If your grand-kids never ever get to stumble on a rock.
We must cut no more old growth trees for wood, wed better have
They thin em out, those big birds spot our pot fields from the
You think that you got trouble partner, troubles you aint got
Till you get a couple dozen Pterodactyls high on pot.
Okay, the chairman told them, now then you all hit the street,
And harass all the working men and women that you meet.
And tell em all that if their sinful ways they dont abort,
Were gonna merge with the Sierra Club and yard em into court.
So now the modern EPA is quick to holler Foul
The loggers and the ranchers are killing off our spotted owl.
It takes three thousand acres for the little beggars nest
I think we oughta let em propagate, lets close the whole Northwest.
But the EPA might be surprised cause this bird if he must
Would be just like the coyote and Im sure that hed adjust.
When he moved down into the second growth this hardy little guy
Would find himself much closer to his mousy food supply.
And that would be so handy for our little feathered cousin
That instead of having just one egg, hed probably lay a dozen.
So then in just a decade why they would be so blasted thick,
You could stand out on your patio and whomp em with a stick.
Course surely then the Greenies would set up another howl.
Theyd say We gotta put a bounty on that blasted Spotted Owl.
Weve got to cut their numbers back or what will be the price?
The filthy little varmint is endangering our mice.
The appetite those buggers have would drive a man to drink.
Boys, the world wont last a month if all the mice become extinct.
But if there is one species in this whole wide world around,
That for the good of humankind must be extinction bound,
The one that most folks I know would put highest on their list
Is that large-mouthed, loose-lipped bird they call